Judgement

I need to exercise.

I don't anymore, ever. There was a time in my life when I'd be participating in high impact sport or high intensity exercise five days a week. Now I can barely find the time for 30mins a day. I've been looking at ways I can group activities or "multi-task" so that I can cram more activity into my days and I thought I'd come up with a winner: during park visits with the boys I can use the time, space and play equipment for a kind of cross-training session.

Then I began to doubt myself. I'd feel silly. You see, all my life I have felt like people were watching me and judging my every move. I am paranoid that someone I know will see me and judge me. Hell, I am paranoid I'll be judged by complete strangers!

The birth or our twins gave me the opportunity (and a reason) to begin overcoming this affliction. I realise that this fear of judgement is very possibly what has held me back from accomplishing pretty much ALL of my life goals and I don't want my boys to grow up with this same fear. So I can't let them see my paranoia. I joined our local multiple births club and took on a couple of volunteer roles that have a somewhat public face... albeit from behind a computer screen (social media is a haven for people like me, who want a voice, but fear the consequences).

Almost a year down the track and I now actually participate in committee meetings (rather than just sit and listen), I had the confidence to join our local playgroup even though I knew absolutely no one there, I post to social media at least four times a day (personally and as a volunteer) without scrutinising every single minute detail of said posts, and every month I team up with a fellow Multi-Mum to produce a fifty plus page newsletter that reaches around two hundred families and businesses, all without really stressing toooo much about the potential  for negative feedback.

BUT

I am still hiding behind this computer screen!

So I hit the park this week and had a go anyways. I tried jogging laps, tried some step ups, tried some pull-ups, kicked a soccer ball around with the kids.... and felt ridiculous!

I feel like I have failed. However I know that I have not failed yet. The fact that I even forced myself to try was but a small step towards overcoming my stupid fear of judgement.